Actually, I didn't even get a T-shirt. What was up with the T-shirt-free reunion episode?
Andy Cohen: "Unfortunately, there was no bromance this season so we couldn't think of anything to put on a T-shirt."
That's understandable. Another problem I noticed while watching the repeat of the first half of the finale is that we were supposed to vote for James-Paul by texting his name without the hyphen! I think that put him at a disadvantage. This election is totally rigged! I'm taking to the streets! Who's with me? Nobody? OK, never mind. I voted for James-Paul thirty times at 99 cents per vote and they didn't count! How much is that?
Isaac: "That's like a thousand dollars!"
Thank you, Isaac. See? I wasted like a thousand dollars and James-Paul is going to lose now. OK. I'm lying. I didn't vote at all because I'm too lazy.
We start the reunion with Angel showing off her totally cute shirt dress and the Panty Christ telling us how his underwear is going through the roof:
Isaac: "How's your underwear?"
Panty Christ: "Exploding!"
Hee hee. Isaac said "underwear."
The Panty Christ then argues that he shouldn't have been eliminated and the judges politely remind him that his dress majorly sucked and he's a psycho for questioning their decision.
Daniella, Anna, and James-Paul come out.
Kelly: "Anna . . . I mean one of you will win a $125,000 and have your clothes sold at BravoTV.com. Either Daniella or James-Paul . . . I mean one of the finalists will win the judges'-choice prize of $10,000. This is so exciting! Other than the fact that Anna is obviously going to win, anything could happen!"
We get a recap of Reco. Apparently the viewers were very upset by his elimination. There were even accusations of racism:
President Barack Obama: "First, I have to admit that Reco is a very dear friend of mine so I might not be completely objective. And I also don't know all the facts of the case. But I think it is safe to say that the judges acted stupidly. There are several things we can all agree on: First, any one of us would be angry if this happened to us. Second, Reco was obviously the best designer on the show. And third, there is a sad history in this country of African American contestants being voted off of reality competition shows disproportionately. That's just a fact."
Well, you can't argue with facts.
Isaac: "We have a stupid question from a viewer."
Viewer: "Were the judges all sharing the same crack pipe?"
Fern: "Whatever we were smoking, it was obviously some good shit because we made the right decision, dumb-ass."
After an insufficient review of what the designers wore during the season, we get a recap of Daniella.
Isaac: "We have another question from a viewer:
Lulu: "Daniella, I think the sun shines out of your ass. Why does everyone else think you are a total bitch?"
Daniella: "How the hell should I know? They're probably just jealous because I'm young and I know what young people like."
OK, on to the decoy lines:
Daniella: "Oh, and everyone else is old and they just don't get it."
Anyway, this is the first I've seen of the decoy lines because I like to be surprised. And I'm glad I didn't look at them earlier because I think I would have been able to tell right away that these were not created as serious contenders. I don't know if they had the same amount of money and time, but both collections look cheap and rushed.
Merlin created a ridiculous collection of drag queen dresses. Some of the costumes were cool and interesting but there was not a single thing any woman would ever wear. And since that was the point of the show, it was pretty clear that this was a big F.U. collection that was not meant to be judged by anyone.
Johnny's collection was just lazy. It looked like no effort went into it. But, other than the fact that everything was way too short, I guess most of it was wearable and a few pieces were even cute-ish. I guess it's possible Johnny could have created this as a real collection. It pretty much represents his attitude of not caring about anything.
Another question from a viewer:
Alison: "Johnny, are you finally willing to admit you knocked off that dress?"
Johnny: "I've been explaining for weeks that the similarities were just a coincidence. I was influenced by the dress and then it just ended up being closer than I intended. OK, fine, I admit it! It was a knock off! I did it! I'll tell you anything you want to hear! Just make Alison stop grilling me! I can't take it anymore!"
Wow. That was like an episode of Law and Order.
Then we get a recap of Anna and a question from a viewer:
Lou: "Anna, why did you call yourself the dark horse?"
Anna: "Well, I was a little older than some of the designers so I was lacking some confidence in my abilities."
Daniella: "Yeah, she's old."
Kristin: "Really, really old. Like, probably over thirty."
Isaac: "Who loves short shorts?"
Haven: "I love short shorts!"
Isaac asks Kristin why she left the show:
Kristin: "I made the right decision. But I wish I'd stayed."
Isaac: "So you regret leaving the show?"
Kristin: "I regret that I didn't stay. But I don't regret my decision to leave."
Isaac: "That makes no sense."
Kristin: "I don't think quitting says anything about the quality of my designs."
Isaac: "No, it just says you can't handle the pressure of actually being a designer."
Kristin: "You know what? I don't have to take this shit. I'm leaving."
Next, the designers talk about each other. Haven calls Merlin a big old can of crazy and Johnny unsuccessfully tries out the phrase "hot ghetto mess." Then there is a vote on whether "church hat" is better than "Sears secretary." Don't ask.
Isaac is haunted by Jonny being eliminated first:
Isaac: "It's awful! I can't get over the memory of that terrible day. I can't sleep at night. I've turned to drugs and loose women just to try and cope."
Jonny: "Oh, my gosh! I'm so sorry!"
Isaac: "It's not your fault. Don't worry about me. I'm sure I'll be fine."
Finally, we get a James-Paul recap and a viewer asks a question:
Viewer: "Was that S&M gear?"
Judy Bernly: "That's right. I'm into all of it. I enjoy sex games and doing the M&Ms."
James-Paul: "Well, everyone knows that the best S&M gear comes from Pakistan."
Isaac: "Of course."
Then we get a funny piece called "Lost in translation," which mocked Merlin for having a funny accent. The funniest part was Kelly translating for Isaac.
Merlin: "Isaac told us he wanted us to blow him."
Isaac: "Actually, I said I wanted you to blow my mind."
Merlin: "That's what I said."
We learn that James-Paul's dress from the first challenge sold the best on BravoTV.com:
Isaac: "I'm surprised. I was sure it would be Johnny's Versace-inspired piece. I thought Bravo viewers would love that slutty dress."
The judges pick Daniella to win the $10,000. That was the only surprise of the episode for me. I really thought the judges were going to pick James-Paul.
Then, instead of just telling us who won, they decide to completely humiliate James-Paul by announcing that he only got 19 percent of the vote. Ouch. There's an important lesson to be learned here: my vote really wouldn't have made a difference.
Anyway, Anna wins with 56 percent of the vote. I knew she was going to win by a landslide. Well, that means Daniella only got 25 percent. That makes James-Paul's 19 percent look a little more respectable. James-Paul's was my personal favorite but I also loved Anna's collection. Congratulations, Anna!
Daniella: "I'm happy for her. Now she can afford to retire."
Kristin: "Yeah, because she's super old."
Thanks for reading, everyone! Tune in next month for Project Runway recaps!