Project Runway Season Six, Episode Three: Life's a Beach (and then you have to make an avant garde look)!

Last week Malvin was out and Shirin won. And Mitchell, we're just not buying it. Darling.

In model news, Valerie was out but now she's back, the models all love Mitchell all of a sudden, and Fatma threatened to punch Vanessa in the face:

Fatma: "It's just a figure of speech. Gee, some people are so sensitive."

Exactly! It's perfectly normal to say you're going to punch someone in the face. It isn't meant literally. It's just like when people say "get out of here" when they mean "you're kidding" or when they say "I want to hit Daniel Franco in the nuts" when they find something annoying. It's just an expression.

We start the episode with Logan wearing a shirt. What's up with that? Well, don't worry; we'll get a shot of him with his shirt off later in the episode. It will be brief but it will fulfill the federally-mandated weekly minimum requirement of hot shirtless designers.

The designers meet Heidi at the runway, obviously for model selection but we don't get to see any of that. Heidi tells them it's time for another field trip. Something to do with Southern California. She gives us a hint:

Heidi: "Don't forget your crack pipes!"

Ooh, they must be going to the beach!

Sure enough, they take a helicopter ride over the Santa Monica pier and meet Tim, who is wearing a thong with a blazer:

Tim: "Just feel that breeze!"

After Christopher tells us that he's never seen the sun before because he's from Minnesota, Tim explains that beachwear was invented in Southern California and now, thanks to Starbucks and the Internet, you can find people in beachwear all over the world.

Tim: "Now, looking like a bum isn't just for the homeless!"

OK, so Tim also delivers the news that the designers will be working in teams. The designers proceed to completely lose their shit:

Designers: "OH, MY GOD, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

Shirin picks Carol Hannah

Logan picks Christopher

Nicolas picks Gordana

Mitchell picks Ra'mon

Althea picks Louise

Qristyl picks Epperson

Johnny gets Irina

They're all screwed.

They talk to some surfer girls:

Surfer Girl: "So, like, I went to the Galleria? And I was all, oh, my god, like, I am so sure, like, gag me with a spoon?"

Oh, wait. That was a Valley girl. My mistake. Let's try that again:

Surfer Girl: "So, like, I went to Southcoast Plaza? And I was all, oh, my god, like, I am so sure, like, gag me with a spoon?"

That's better. Anyway, the designers learn absolutely nothing from the surfer girls, other than the fact that people sometimes wear bathing suits to the beach and they like to be comfortable. Like, duh.

The designers only have fifteen minutes to shop at Mood:

Qristyl: "AAAHHHHH!!!!!"

Nicolas is making an hombre out of macrame:

Nicolas: "Can you say that a million times?"

No. Why would anyone even say that once?

I can't figure out what the problem is with Qristyl and Epperson. Obviously, they don't work well together but it's hard to tell why:

Epperson: "We need to make sure the pattern is going the same way."

Qristyl: "Maybe you're used to talking to other women like that but it's not going to work with me!"

Epperson: "Hey! You leave my mother out of this!"

Seriously, what are they arguing about? It does seem a little bit like Epperson is bossing Qristyl around. However, it also seems like she snaps at him every time he says anything. So it's hard to tell. But, since we haven't seen Epperson interact with anybody else on the show and Qristyl seems to get along with everyone, I'm going to go ahead and say it's all Epperson's fault.

Tim delivers a message from Heidi:

Tim: "I had nothing to do with this. In addition to your beach-bum look, you will also need to create an avant garde look, which we all know doesn't actually mean anything. Good luck."

This challenge makes no sense to me. And the designers all think "avant garde" means "ridiculous." But the important thing is that Garnier will be doing the hair.

Major model drama! Carol Hanna's model, Erika, had a terrible waxing accident and will not be able to wear a swimsuit! So Malvin's eliminated model, Valerie, comes back to take her place.

On to the runway. Michael Kors is still out being dry cleaned so he is being replaced this week by Max Azria. Also, the guest judge this week is some woman. Really, I don't have the strength to figure out who she is.

Qristyl and Epperson's beach look is fine but I really don't know where you would wear it. The avant garde look is a big piece of crap. It consisted of a kinda cute one-piece bathing suit with bright green fabric just barfed up all over it for no reason.

Johnny and Irina's beach look is really cute. The macrame detail is possibly a little too subtle but it's a great look. The avant garde look is OK. The big weaving detail picks up nicely from the macrame of the other piece.

Mitchell and Ra'mon's beach look is really uninspired. It's very pretty flowing fabric. Big deal. The avant garde look is nice. I don't love it as much as the judges do. I agree that it's wearable but I don't know what's so avant garde about it.

Shirin and Carol Hannah's beach look was a bathing suit with a wrap. It was fine. Their avant garde look was just an over-the-top evening gown. They may have worked well together but the results were not great.

Althea and Louise's beach look was pretty adorable. Their avant garde look was, again, not very avant garde but it was good. They could have been at the top.

Nicolas and Gordana's beach look was fantastic. The macrame top was beautiful and the wrap pant was very cool, though it might have worked better as shorts. Nicolas could have won with this look. Unfortunately, he also designed another look. Jesus H. Christ. Gordana should have brought down the iron curtain on his ass and stopped that look from happening.

Logan and Christopher were fine. The beach look was a little boring and the avant garde look was only interesting because it was huge. Both looks were well executed but they didn't excite me.

Johnny and Irina and Mitchell and Ra'mon are the top two teams:

Mitchell: "Ra'mon did most of it."

Ra'mon: "I can't believe he said that after I did most of the work."

Jeez, Ra'mon, Mitchell just admitted that you did most of the work. Why rub it in?

Ra'mon: "Well, I just want to make it perfectly clear that Mitchell did absolutely nothing."

Yeah, we get it! But Mitchell isn't arguing with you so let it go.

Gordana, on the other hand, is a great teammate:

Gordana: "Yes, that avant garde look is hideous but you have to give Nicolas credit for that amazing organza collar."

If the model had been buried alive in organza it wouldn't have saved that look. But it was very nice of her to say.

Ra'mon wins! Congratulations, Ra'mon! He did a good job, though he could have been a little more gracious to his useless teammate.

We have a Project Runway first:

Heidi: "For the first time in Project Runway history, we will be using a sports metaphor! Three strikes and you're out, Mitchell!"

Mitchell: "Are you sure that's the first time?"

Heidi: "No."

As Mitchell gives Qristyl a hug, the guest judge whispers something:

Max Azria: "That Mitchell is pure evil."